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 The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2012.

For the vast majority of authors the long solitary hours attempting to hone their craft can only rarely result in the winning of a prestigious award. One award, The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest in contrast rewards the year's worst writing.  Entrants are encouraged to compose the worlds’ worst possible opening sentence to a novel. The annual contest began in 1982 at San Jose State University and every year it attracts thousands of entrants. The award is in honour of novelist and playwright Edward George Bulwer Lytton, whose novel published in 1830 called Paul Clifford contains one of the most widely known openings in English literature, 'It was a dark and stormy night'.

The winners for this year's competition have just recently been announced, with the overall winner coming from the UK, Cathy Bryant, from Manchester. The winning entry ........

'As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.'

The winner this year in the adventure section was Greg Homer, from Placerville, California ......

'The stifling atmosphere inside the Pink Dolphin Bar in the upper Amazon Basin carried barely enough oxygen for a man to survive, humid and thick the air was and full of little flying bugs, making the simple act of breathing like trying to suck hot Campbell’s Bean with Bacon soup through a paper straw.'

The Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award was won by David Pepper, from Hermosa Beach in California...........

'As an ornithologist, George was fascinated by the fact that urine and feces mix in birds’ rectums to form a unified, homogeneous slurry that is expelled through defecation, although eying Greta's face, and sensing the reaction of the congregation, he immediately realized he should have used a different analogy to describe their relationship in his wedding vows.'

Woofingly woeful! Can you do any worse? I feel a competition for Blogville coming on Frankie!