Thursday, 16 August 2012

Flog It Blog It, Terrible Tomes!

Molly The Wally The Writer!

 The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2012.

For the vast majority of authors the long solitary hours attempting to hone their craft can only rarely result in the winning of a prestigious award. One award, The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest in contrast rewards the year's worst writing.  Entrants are encouraged to compose the worlds’ worst possible opening sentence to a novel. The annual contest began in 1982 at San Jose State University and every year it attracts thousands of entrants. The award is in honour of novelist and playwright Edward George Bulwer Lytton, whose novel published in 1830 called Paul Clifford contains one of the most widely known openings in English literature, 'It was a dark and stormy night'.

The winners for this year's competition have just recently been announced, with the overall winner coming from the UK, Cathy Bryant, from Manchester. The winning entry ........

'As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.'

The winner this year in the adventure section was Greg Homer, from Placerville, California ......

'The stifling atmosphere inside the Pink Dolphin Bar in the upper Amazon Basin carried barely enough oxygen for a man to survive, humid and thick the air was and full of little flying bugs, making the simple act of breathing like trying to suck hot Campbell’s Bean with Bacon soup through a paper straw.'

The Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award was won by David Pepper, from Hermosa Beach in California...........

'As an ornithologist, George was fascinated by the fact that urine and feces mix in birds’ rectums to form a unified, homogeneous slurry that is expelled through defecation, although eying Greta's face, and sensing the reaction of the congregation, he immediately realized he should have used a different analogy to describe their relationship in his wedding vows.'

Woofingly woeful! Can you do any worse? I feel a competition for Blogville coming on Frankie!


  1. I can't get past the sunglasses. Too adorable. Is there an uprising? We shall fight!

  2. The last one is almost funny, but I don't think anyone would want to read a second sentence from any of those authors!

  3. Haha ! You need a good rest, dear little Molly.....

  4. Omd Molly
    I have fallen ovew laughing and can't get up hehehehehe
    Smoochie kisses

  5. MOL Molly this might be a new event for our next Olympics. Too funny thanks for the smiles
    Hugs Madi your BFFF

  6. Here would be my worse line. "After pooping on the bed, I ate it!"
    happy Thursday, Love Hailey (and Zaphod)

  7. Oh dear.....OH MY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dearest Molly, how on earth are you privy to so many OUTRAGEOUS things out there in the world????!!!!!

    That one about the eyelash mites scars me; I have been battling a STYE in my left eye all summer long, and to think that little mites......OH DEAR!!!!!!!!!!

    You are a hoot every morning.....PEACE!

  8. Brilliant Molly, yet again :) Bol... I did find Kten's comment really fuuny :)
    Have a great Thursday...sun's got his hat on !!!

  9. Ummm...they used a lot of words to say not very much.


  10. Molly, you are amazing - finding so many unusual things to share with us. (Besides that you are cute!) that one sentence with the eyelash mites was scary and yucky.... and it's the first sentence??

  11. Thanks for the smile, my friend! I needed that today!

  12. Eyelash mites ~ YUCK! Butt did you have to remind us that these little critters love our faces so much..... Mommy's running to the bathroom as we speak!

    Lily Belle

  13. Oh LOL! It's certainly a bad opening! The grand champion was... I'm just speechless... bird poo and what?

    Huggies and Cheese,


  14. Hi Molly, IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY MORNING when I decided to read your blog today, my eyes were full of watery mites that got crushed when I had to wipe them away becasue I laughted so much.........another fananstic blog, keep on reporting on all these weird and wonderful stories.

  15. OMD.....Mom just spit her coffee into da keyboard. Excuse me while me runs to get a mop!


  16. I liked the last opener about bird turds the best. That was funny!

  17. AND THIS is an example of why BLOGVILLE is a much... more SANE place. I DID laff at them though... after I Shook myself. PEEPS.. I just don't know WHAT about Peeps.

  18. You look like you are ready to write
    Benny & Lily

  19. Ugh. We bet that would have been the wedding vow to remember. BOL! This was just hilarious. Ridiculous, but hilarious.

  20. Molly is really a lucky who has got such a great owner with which they can enjoy much and make fun. As I have seen the images of him you are making too much love.

    California Bulldog Puppies for Sale

  21. Note to self: The chances of getting poorly written purple prose goes up if purchasing a work by a California author.

    Shelle, Milo, Dixie and Newby,

  22. Molly do you stay up late at night when the rest of the world is peacefully sleeping and plot your next blog to us? I bet you search the world over for interesting unusual facts that we will retain even when we try not to!
    Once again you made my momma laugh!
    Stella Rose

  23. Ha! They totally cracked us up! The first one is brilliance personified.
    Dip Bridge and Elliot x

  24. It must take a lot of hard work to write that poorly:)

    The infestation of mites on the eyelashes really grossed the Momster out.

    Woos - Phantom, Thunder, Ciara, and Lightning

  25. Oh Molly, that was fab. They were bad but funny too. Thanks for sharing. No worries, and love, Stella and Rory

  26. You had us laughing very hard!

  27. Thanks Molly, you're so funny. Like the comment of Kten, hehe...

  28. Love it, you just crack us up!


    Dante, Daisy Boo and Sampson

  29. Allie: um.... EWWWWW...
    FaRADaY: That ornithologist is so gross he's PAWESOME! Woooo!
    Maxwell: you *would* think that. *sigh*