Dog House Blog, Police Get Ghost Busted!

Police receive hundreds of emergency calls because of Halloween.

During Halloween, witches, ghosts and ghouls regularly roam the streets and needless to say the police will be gearing up to investigate a number of spooky happenings. The police in the past have received hundreds of calls from freaked out Brits who are convinced they are being haunted, chased by zombies and stalked by ghouls and vampires. Previous emergency calls have included reports of a poltergeist stealing car and house keys and a devil possessing a doll. Opps Chucky is back again! Among the 26 calls to Gloucestershire Police was one from a woman saying a poltergeist had locked her out of her home after she returned from dinner at a pub. Maybe it was less poltergeist activity and more to do with ‘spirits’ consumed. There were reports of zombies roaming across fields and even one of werewolves trying to break down a front door. Police investigating the zombie incident in Wales discovered it was actually the set of a horror film being shot at Pembrey, Carmarthenshire. One caller demanded the police send ‘Ghostbusters’ round seemingly unaware that it was a hit 1980s film and not real. Was that because there was something strange in the neighbourhood we ask? Norfolk is a popular bloodsucking area with five reported sightings of vampires and Merseyside police were called seven times with reports of ghosts and witches. Lincolnshire Police logged five incidents involving vampires, two concerning werewolves, nine involving zombies and 20 calls about wizards. Harry Pot Head again! Officers in the West Midlands dealt with 57 sightings of ghosts. The ghosts at properties had been nothing more than shadows on the walls. Needless to say most spooked callers were told to stop drinking and go back to bed. 

Dog Blog, The End Of The Campaign Trail and The X Files!

The End Of The Campaign Trail for Ken Livingston. 

Boris peddles against political gravity and bikes into a lead and will be mayor for a second term. My sources in Molly Media tell me singing can be heard at Newt HQ. On investigating it became apparent that the song was less ‘Congratulations’ but yet another rendition of ‘Cwying over me’ but this time accompanied by genuine tears.

Ode ‘Brother Ken Where Art Thou’!

Boris our learned boffin is mayor again

With scarecrow hair and mighty pen

With amusing banter and jovial manner

Into the newt’s campaign he threw a spanner

Londoners have voted him mayor once more

Whilst Ken’s bruised ego must be very sore

Alas poor Ken what will he do next

The outcome must have left him truly vexed

He tried so hard to win and be our boss

But now he can at least campaign for Argos.

Dog Blog On The Campaign Trail,‘The X Files’.

On The Campaign Trail,‘Ken and The X Files’. 

Ken Livingstone today launched a poster campaign depicting leading Tories as aliens. News is coming in of strange green pulsating lights hovering over Brother Kens’ Newt HQ. Thousands of members of the public have been calling the UFO Military Unit and M15 have been sent to investigate. My sources at Molly Media have informed me that a strange sonic frequency has been picked up by GCHQ, which apparently have been sending subliminal messages to TV and radio stations. Decoded at Bletchley Park the message appears to be the words ‘Vote Me, Vote Me, in a high pitch whining tone. A passing intergalactic spaceship shut down the signal as they said it was interfering in their viewing of’ Star Trek The Final Frontier’.With Ken’s plans of world domination thwarted he was last seen auditioning for the X factor with his outstanding rendition of ’Cwying’ in a hope to get more votes.

Dog Blog On The Campaign Trail, ‘Brother Ken’ Again.

Ken Livingston & his fish and chips.

Labours' Lord Sugar urged voters to reject Ken Livingstone in the next months credit crunch mayoral elections. On the campaign trail again the old newt-fancier appears to be showing his age and is as sluggish and moribund as one of his newt tanks. The former mayor recently held a press shin-dig in ‘The Laughing Halibut’, near Victoria Street, posing with a plate of cod, chips and mushy peas. My sources in Molly Media have reported that an anti-Ken activist was seen entering the premises early that morning armed with several fish tanks and a Kenwood liquidiser. Brother Ken on finding that the mushy peas were none other than his much beloved collection of newts tried to squeeze out a few tears but failed. The activist was heard saying that a second failure at being mayor may send the newt scuttling back under a rock.

Dog Blog On The Campaign Trail, ‘Brother Ken’.

Crocodile tears from Ken Livingston out on the campaign Trail.

Ken Livingston the laborious candidate for London mayor started crying as he watched a video of voters pleading with him to win next month’s credit crunch election.’ Crocodile Tears Ken’ was accused by his own party of acting, after it emerged that the broadcast that made him weep, used paid 'supporters’ reading from a script. The over-do of the boo-hoo left me wondering what was so upsetting about this film?  I can now report that when viewing it I too was overcome with emotion as it was tear-jekringly awful. Offers are flooding in as we speak and ‘Brother Ken’ is rumoured to record a rendition of ‘Cwwying Over You’. A spokesperson for Simon Cowbell said he has teamed up with Waterworks Production and expects the record to sink without a trace. We await the release of this lamentable lament with so much anticipation we weep.

Dog Blog More Ode To The PIGGY Bank

Goldman Sachs exposed as investing in unsavoury activities.

Goldman Sachs – whose boss once claimed it was ‘doing God’s work’ – has been exposed as investing in a company linked to very, very, unsavory activities. 

Goldman Sachs ‘God’s bank’ is sitting comfy on its laurels.

But it would appear that the toxic bank is without morals.

In Village Voice Media (Backpage) it took a major stake

No question of ethics just wanting a bigger slice of cake.

We continue watching in despair at their systematic greed

The voices of dissent all around which they have failed to heed

In this company they are now uncomfortable with its direction

And now with no ability to influence they have lost affection

Principles and honour no more, as its anything for big bucks

We think you should go and change your name to Goldman Sucks!

Dog Blog What Crisis Continued?

Crisis at the fuel pump?

<      News reports are coming in of a major incident at a Cricklebottom service station in Suburbia.  Our Molly Media reporter has told us that a Mr Daft Vader has chained himself to pump number six. Mr Daft Vader from The Deaf Star apparently tried to fill up the reservoir of his light saber.  Finding that the pumps had run out of fuel he started having breathing difficulties and promptly sat down. After he had shackled himself to the island dispenser he told onlookers "You don't know the power of the dark side!" Paramedics, who were unable to attend due to lack of fuel, sent The Road Runner to administer medication. Steptoe and Son are on their way in a horse and cart to deliver much needed oxygen. No one at Downing Street was available for comment as no one could get there.

Hog Blog Dine In For Two Continued.

Ed Milliband publishes lists of meetings and dinners.

Ed Miliband has today published a list of meetings and dinners he had with major donors of the Labour Party. The ‘Dine In For Two For £7,500’ has hardly proved successful with only 43 donors taking up the offer. On interviewing Sherriden Cedric Ponsonby it became apparent that promotion was failing due to lack of good quality fodder.  He told reporters at Molly Media that the Liebfraumilch was served warm and the Ginsters’ Cornish Pasties cold. In desperation The Swedish Chef has been called in and waving a meat cleaver at Ed he was heard to say "Vat do you meen-a?! You cant depoort me, I em a legill reseedent! Hefe a hoomum reeghts und a gund suleecitur peeed by legel  eeed! Bork Bork Bork!”.

Dog Blog What Crisis?

mass-hysteria amongst motorists continues as the fuel strike threatens.

As mass-hysteria amongst motorists continues, due to predicted shortages in petrol stations, a representative for the petrol station owners association denies any shortfalls in supply. Customers should not worry as there are ample stocks of sandwiches, Pukka pies, crisps, newspapers and cold drinks. Mr Tightwad of Suburbia painted another picture when he told reporters at ‘Molly Media’ that he queued for 4 hours to purchase a box of Quality Street and a bunch of blue carnations for his wife’s  birthday. He further stated that this caused great friction between himself and his spouse. A sleepless night was spent on the sofa as a result of the event. David Cameron told shocked Ministers ‘ a bit of finger fancy fondants panic may be no bad thing’ as he set out his exceedingly determined plan to defeat the threatened strike by Mr Kippling and Co.

Flog it Blog It! The Cam Dine With Me Saga.

The Came’ Dine With Me’ saga hits politics.

As the ‘Came’ Dine With Me’ saga continues Ed Miliband has said he is "very happy" to publish details of all dinners he has had with major Labour Party donors. Unlike Dave’s posh nosh dinners Ed feeds his guests with finger food from Iceland washed down with Asti Spumante. Those who have partied like a celebrity include ‘Puss In Boots’ who commented that the frozen finger food gave him frost bite and the gassy beverage left him burping all the way home. Tin Tin added that he found the mini hot dogs offensive and the vegetable spring rolls were not too his taste. He further stated that he’d go for ‘The Dine In For Two For £50,000 offer next time as at least it would best suit his pallet. Major supermarkets are now offering meals for two for £49,999 in attempt to cash in on this very successful promotion.

Lark In The Park & A Skateboard

The Came Dine With Me Saga.

Met Peter from Slovakia today and had a go at skateboarding. Things were going splendidly well until I tried to master the art of the kickflip. Kissed the pavement so sulked off to the cafe to nurse my bruised ego. Dudes skateboards are only good for firewood! Sat and mused over the increasingly embarrassing ‘Came’ Dine With Me’ saga, where cash donations can buy you a wine and dine night with the Prime Minister. Dinner with Dave and Sam allegedly comprises of a KFC Mega Bucket followed by a Walls Vienetta all washed down with a family sized bottle of Tizer. Mr Crony Chairman stated that ‘The Dine In For Two For £50,000 was good value for money and he is looking forward to continuing the promotion.

Dog Blog On The Campaign Trail Once More.

Cameron claims he was tucked up in the President's bed by Obama?

A very special relationship: Cameron claims he was tucked up in the President's bed by Obama on Air Force One. My sources in ‘Molly Media’ tells me Mr Obama sang David Cameron to sleep!

Mr. Cameron, bring me a dream
(Bung, bung, bung, bung)
Make me the cat that’s got all the cream
(Bung, bung, bung, bung)
I wanna be rolling in clover
(Bung, bung, bung, bung)
After this years’ election is over

Cameron, I'm so alone
Don't have nobody to call my own
Please turn on your magic beam
Mr. Cameron, bring me a dream

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)

Mr. Cameron, bring me your Queen
(Bung, bung, bung, bung)
She’s the most vote winning thing that I’ve ever seen
(Bung, bung, bung, bung)
Give me the world which I can rule over
(Bung, bung, bung, bung)
 It would be like winning a lottery roll-over

Cameron, I'm so alone
Don't have nobody to call my own
Please turn on your magic beam
Mr. Cameron, bring me a dream

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)

Mr. Cameron, be on my team
(Bung, bung, bung, bung)
In your eyes I see a gleam
(Bung, bung, bung, bung)
We don’t need to give this world a make-over
(Bung, bung, bung, bung)
We’ll  wait till this sorry mess blows over

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)

Mr Cameron, someone so bold
We can rule the world till we are old
So please turn on your magic beam
Mr Cameron, bring us, please, please, please
Mr Cameron, bring us a dream

(Bung, bung, bung, bung)

Dog Blog On The Campaign Trail Yet Again.

More From The Campaign Trail In America.

David Cameron gives Obama a ping-pong table and commits a real ding-dong by having it shipped from Hong Kong after it was made in Fu Long. An angry representative from the British Whiff-Whaff Society stated that he was quite outraged that he could get it so wrong. He said they were miffed that they were not given the opportunity to make the table. Chinese representatives Ling Long and Ting Tong said they wouldn’t like to make a sing song about the ding dong and that it was just a lot fuss about ping pong. An international crisis was narrowly averted when emergency peace talks commenced today in Disneyworld. 

Dog Blog On The Campaign Trail Again

On the campaign Trail again in America.

America’s guv’nor said he was “chuffed to bits”’ to welcome David Cameron and wife Samantha to the White House for a “great natter”. Rounding off his English slang repertoire, he then quipped: “I’m confident we’re going to keep the relationship top notch.” He then continued that it was “Fandabbydozy” to have his “spiffing chums” over for a “pow-wow” and it was” tattyfularias”. to invite them to tea and “scownes”. He stated that he was full of ”plumptiosness” and “gertitude” for their continuing special relationship.  David Cameron replied in his most cut glass English accent “Aweigh then me old mucka, know wha' I'm sayin' m8? No but yea, its propa sorted! Nice you get me bruv!

Dog Blog Ode To The PIGGY Bank.

Goldman Sachs call their clients 'Muppets'.

News that Goldman Sachs call their clients 'Muppets' and talk of 'ripping eyeballs out' left me really dumbfounded. In response have penned a little poem!

My golden sacks at Goldman Sachs have gone and disappeared.

It would appear that the toxic bank at all of us have sneered.

I am now as poor as the euro zone and gone is my little stash.

Before my very trusting eyes it’s was all gone in a flash.

It’s all vanished and I despair because of their toxic greed

Now I haven’t even got enough to go and buy a lead.

It would appear your secrecy had gone and sprung a leak

We now all sit here with baited breath and hope it makes you meek.

What will I do? It’s so sad! I go to bed and weep.

But be careful for as you know what you sow you reap!

Dog Blog On The Campaign Trail.

Boris Johnson Major of London and The Campaign Trail.

Boris Johnson Major of London is up for re-election soon so went out on the campaign trail. Really just wanted to see how my petition against Boris and his numerous bikes was doing.  Alarmed to find out that nobody had seen my petition. Where did it go? Methinks I will have to start all over again. Have sent another letter to  Bernard Hogan-Howe head of ‘The Metropolitan Police’ reporting it as stolen and demanding that he find my petition. Received a reply from ‘The Beagle Society’ today telling me that they do not consort with other breeds especially spaniels and particularly those with known criminal records. Am I getting a bad reputation?