Thursday, 20 December 2012
Flog It Blog It, Christmas Downsizing This Year.
The following economic measures are to take place to make ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ more cost effective,
The Partridge will be charged a suitable rent for residing in the pear tree. The rent will be based on current market values of fruit trees based on yield and attractiveness of fruit.
The Two Turtle Doves have spent far too much time cooing and not enough time earning their keep. From now on they will be told that their work based romance will be subject to disciplinary action should it continue.
The Three French Hens will replaced by English ones thus terminating the need for a translator and saving money on their excessive demands for Foie Gras & Champagne.
The Four Calling Birds will be made redundant and the role transferred to a call centre in India. Calls will be charged at a premium rate but we will omit to tell the callers to check with their service providers.
The Five Golden Rings have been sold as the gold price is at an all time high at the moment. They will be replaced by five ‘Coke’ can ring pulls.
The Six Geese-a-Laying will be subject to a productivity test and if it ascertained that the yield of eggs produced is not enough the job will be given to ‘The Three English Hens’ who will have to do both jobs.
The Seven Swans-a-Swimming is a luxury that can no longer be afforded. The swans will be allowed to swim but will be tied to a generator to produced environmentally friendly power source which will be used to power the new milking parlour.
The Eight Maids-a-Milking will be replaced by a state of the art new milking parlour which will operate 24/7 with no need for breaks and thus generating much needed income.
The Nine Ladies Dancing is a frivolous expense we cannot afford and their contacts will be terminated. The role will be filled by a karaoke machine with light up dance floor. Customers from now on will be expected to dance themselves.
The Ten Lords-a-Leaping will remain but no longer will they be housed in Stately Homes. The new accommodation will comprise of eco-friendly, energy efficient alternatives, namely a card board box.
The Eleven Pipers Piping will be sacked for smoking their pipes on the job saving a huge amount in redundancy costs. There will be no alternative and customers will be shown a sign that reads, ‘Silence is Golden’.
The Twelve Drummers Drumming is the cause of a large amount of fines due to noise pollution and therefore their services will no longer be required. A pre-recorded rendition of ‘The Little Drummer Boy’ will be played on a loop continuously.
We expect a substantial reduction in running costs and a well needed injection of profit from the various incentives we have introduced. Next we will look at the excessive use of the ho ho hos by Santa and will be requesting a significant cut back forthwith. The number of reindeer will slimmed down and elves will be forced to work in a sweatshop in the South Pole where costs are cheaper.
Yours Sincerely The Christmas Grinch.