To all good citizens
We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today 4th July.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states. Your new prime minister The Right Honourable' Just Call Me Dave Cameron' will be appointed as Minister for America without the need for any elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. You won't notice the change. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules will be introduced with immediate effect.
1. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing the English language. The letter U will be reinstated in words immediately as it has been harshly neglected for years. Thus favor will become favour and neighbor, neighbour and so forth. You will stop your obsession with the letter Z which is pronounced zed not zee and use the much maligned s.
2. There is no such thing as US English and we will make sure the Google and Microsoft refrain from its' use on your behalf forthwith. Spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of these changes which facilitate better communication within The Common Wealth.
5. God Save The Queen will be sung with a plum in your mouth to facilitate a posh accent. Plumbs will be distributed freely.
6. The new national sport will be football and it will no longer be called soccer. Your football will be banned as it will lead to confusion. You will be allowed to play the girls' game called rounders which you call baseball but it will be called by its' original name from now on.
7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. We will expect you to celebrate St Georges' Day from now on. As you don't have many public holidays we will not expect you to celebrate St Davids' and St Patricks' day as we don't want to spoil you.
All products from the European Union will be banned from now on as we no longer need them. Tax collectors from Her Majestys' Government will be in touch shortly to ensure the payment of all taxes due, backdated to 1776.