Britain & Europe, reference map.
From The Director of The British Tea Federation
From The Director of The British Tea Federation
Letter To America
To all good citizens
To all good citizens
We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today 4th July.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states. Your new prime minister The Right Honourable' Just Call Me Dave Cameron' will be appointed as Minister for America without the need for any elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. You won't notice the change. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules will be introduced with immediate effect.
1. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing the English language. The letter U will be reinstated in words immediately as it has been harshly neglected for years. Thus favor will become favour and neighbor, neighbour and so forth. You will stop your obsession with the letter Z which is pronounced zed not zee and use the much maligned s.
2. There is no such thing as US English and we will make sure the Google and Microsoft refrain from its' use on your behalf forthwith. Spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of these changes which facilitate better communication within The Common Wealth.
3. English accents are not limited to Cockney or Upper Class twits . You will
also have to learn how to understand regional accents such as Welsh, Irish and Scottish. We will broadcast programs from these regions without
subtitles
4. British soaps and sit-coms will be broadcast in
their original forms and will not be
re-cast and watered down to the tastes of the American audience. You will learn
to who cope with the humour and political incorrectness. There will be no
more bleeps and if you are offended you won't be able to sue. Commercial breaks will be limited to 2 per half hour.
5. God Save The Queen will be sung with a plum in your mouth to facilitate a posh accent. Plumbs will be distributed freely.
6. The new national sport will be football and it will no longer be called soccer. Your football will be banned as it will lead to confusion. You will be allowed to play the girls' game called rounders which you call baseball but it will be called by its' original name from now on.
5. God Save The Queen will be sung with a plum in your mouth to facilitate a posh accent. Plumbs will be distributed freely.
6. The new national sport will be football and it will no longer be called soccer. Your football will be banned as it will lead to confusion. You will be allowed to play the girls' game called rounders which you call baseball but it will be called by its' original name from now on.
7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. We will expect you to celebrate St Georges' Day from now on. As you don't have many public holidays we will not expect you to celebrate St Davids' and St Patricks' day as we don't want to spoil you.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips. Fries are not French as they invent nothing of value, they are from
a country called Belgium. Chips will
from now on be called crisps. Crispy pot-ay-toe as opposed to chippy potato.
9. The watered down stuff you drink is not beer but
pretend larger. Our proper brews will be called beer from now on.
10. A tax will be added to each cup of tea and will be
doubled in the city of Boston itself.
All products from the European Union will be banned from now on as we no longer need them. Tax collectors from Her Majestys' Government will be in touch shortly to ensure the payment of all taxes due, backdated to 1776.
All products from the European Union will be banned from now on as we no longer need them. Tax collectors from Her Majestys' Government will be in touch shortly to ensure the payment of all taxes due, backdated to 1776.
Yours Sincerely
From The Director of The British Tea Federation
Joking apart Happy 4th July to all our American Friends. Enjoy your day.
Everyone else have a tremendous Thursday.
Yikes Molly. I just saw I live in Weaident Evil. Eeeek.
ReplyDeleteHappy fouwf of July to you sweet fwiends!!!!
I loved the lettew fwom Bwitain, hehehehe
I hopes you have agweat celebwashun wif all the twimmings
Smoochie kisses
Asta
LOL, Molly! As a Commonwealth country, our English is technically UK English but the influences from American movies, books, etc has kinda messed it all up. It can get rather confusing! :)
ReplyDeleteHappy 4th of July to everybuddy :) xx00xx
ReplyDeleteMollie and Alfie
Have a great Thursday Mollie.
ReplyDeleteSheba.
Whew. We were nervous. Especially when we thought we had to give up Lays chips. :) Have a great day!
ReplyDeleteThat was sooooo good Molly and I am sure there are some over here that will believe it to be true because they read it on the internet!
ReplyDeleteWhat a funny post - Molly, you are the best! Have a great thursday!
ReplyDeleteWe thought for a moment there that we'd have to give up our Independence! We would have said NO WAY.
ReplyDeleteWe love potato chips, are you gonna share with us?
Thanks for remembering us on the 4th of July :)
Hugs,
Lily Belle & Muffin
Ha, ha, ha! I've always kind of wanted to be a subject of the British Crown. Please amend the taxes back to 1776 though. I think taxes was what got us fighting in the first place. Thanks for my best laugh of the day.
ReplyDeleteGreat post today Miss Molly - psss our Mom loves Walkers chips - she orders them all the time - cheese and onion is her favorite!
ReplyDeleteBOL…… Happy 4th Molly.
ReplyDeleteWags,
Ranger
Molly you are too funny! (we love your sense of humour!)
ReplyDeleteWe're a little concerned about some of the changes, but we wholeheartedly support banning American football. It seems like such a silly game compared to soccer.
Garth
Hahaha your are a scream Molly!xx Speedy
ReplyDeleteHappy 4th!
ReplyDeleteFollowing your direction, the US will be a better place!
Especially #6
Molly this was an honoUr to read. Now we will be More than just your neighboUrs across the pond. We think God Save the Queen will be easier to sing than OUR song... BOL
ReplyDeleteTHIS was so fun to read. We will SavoUr the flavoUr of the new CHIPS.
Molly, we may be American in this house but we know the difference between a good pint of ale and a watered-down version and real chips vs. French fries. We also know that when eating fish and chips it is proper to use malt vinegar...not that red mush called ketchup. That said, we are still celebrating our Independence today and every July 4 from here to eternity. *raises a pint* Cheers!
ReplyDeleteOz
BOL!!!! Mom is CRYING with laughter!!
ReplyDeleteOh no, not my spell-checkering thingy! It gives me so many red and green squigglies as it is now - what I will does when it is underlining every single word that no has a U in it?!
ReplyDeleteAll jokings aside, I is highly honored that you is reading my book and I truly hopes you find it up to your high standards, Miss Molly.
love,
Reuben
I can go along with some of this like disbanding Congress but we finally elected a black president and I want to keep him so sorry about that. Pop always spelled works with the added u. I'll raise a pint of John Courage to you this 4th of July.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahaha!!!! Thanks for the giggle :-)
ReplyDeleteMOL MOL MOL so what about Southern English...like we speak....I bet that will be banned and those who dare to speak it will have to eat an entire bag of chips w/o swallowing.
ReplyDeleteHugs Madi you bfff
Oh Molly you sure are a funny lady. Thanks for making all of US smile today.
ReplyDeleteMillie & Walter
Brilliant, LOL!
ReplyDeleteDon't get me started with Yorkshire and Geordie accents :)
Dip Bridge and Elliot x
too cute. thanks!
ReplyDeleteBwaa haa haa Happy 4th Molly!
ReplyDeletehugs
Bailey, Hazel & Greta
BOL!!!! :0
ReplyDeleteToo funny!
Have a great day!
Stewey
We would gladly give up that STOOOOPID Dictator we gots now, and join your great country, we do hereby agree to all your commands, after all we are Scottish anyway!
ReplyDeleteThe Mad Scots
Slowly making our way around to dear friends. We want to thank you so very much for your kind words of comfort and friendship after our very sudden loss of Thunder. We are all still very sad, but the support and love from all of our friends from all over the world is helping to heal our broken hearts. We are sure that Thunder Dunder is now in a very happy place and also very thankful to have so many wonderful friends.
ReplyDeleteWoos - Phantom, Ciara, Lightning, and Mom Kathie
OMD THIS WAS HILARIOUS!! LOVED the "you will learn to make real chips" BOL and "4. British soaps and sit-coms will be broadcast in their original forms and will not be re-cast and watered down to the tastes of the American audience. You will learn to who cope with the humour and political incorrectness. There will be no more bleeps and if you are offended you won't be able to sue. Commercial breaks will be limited to 2 per half hour."
ReplyDeleteJust to name a few!
Thanks for the laughs!!
((((hugs))))
Muahaha, I always love this letter!! ;-) Oh, man, now you've done it Molly...Domeek is salivating at the Walkers crisps (Americans soooo don't know how bad they have it)! Happy Thursday!
ReplyDeleteHappy Fourth!
ReplyDeleteWe need some of those chips!
:)
Great stuff, Mollie, though not quite sure what "pretend larger" is MOL
ReplyDeleteHappy Non-Independence Day ;)
Glad we still get to eat crisps, but calling them chips is fine cos it makes them sound like part of a proper meal!
ReplyDeleteMolly, we are so happy to hear that Congress is being disbanded! They're just a bunch of overpaid underachievers. We're looking forward to having real chips, too! Fortunately, we're not tea drinkers. :-)
ReplyDeleteSusan and Wrigs
Actually, these are very good ideas - BOL! And about the different way we speak from those of our friends in the UK, let me tell you a story. When we went to school (puppy, intermediate and advanced classes) our teacher Tonya was British. She would stand there and give detailed instructions about what the peeps were to do with their dogs. Then she would say "OK, ready?" Mom would just have to ask her to repeat everything because she listened to her lovely accent but didn't pay one bit of attention to the words she was saying. So then our teacher would give mom her "What the hell?" look. Then mom said it was happening to everyone in the room, she was just willing to admit it. Then every other adult in the class sheepishly admitted that they were also lost to the sounds of our teacher's lovely accent. So, moral to this story is that if you want to institute these changes to our country, don't email them, just read them to us. We'll agree to anything!!
ReplyDeleteYour Pals,
Murphy & Stanley
Dandy Doodles
The map is hilarious! Happy 4th!
ReplyDeletehi Molly,
ReplyDeleteI can always count on you to give me a laugh and put a smile on my face! I actually watched one of your sitcoms, PEEP SHOW, on the internet so it was in its original form. :->
Cheers (or, Cheerio?),
K
Oh Molly your killin us!
ReplyDeleteSnuggles
Benny & Lily
hahahahaha! Love it! Canadian friends Lee and Phod
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I know much about the Z thing... hmmm might need to take some more English classes! Thanks for the laughs today Molly!
ReplyDeleteOn the positive side if you did become english you could get Wagg BOL!! Hope you had a lovely 4th July!
ReplyDeleteI'm weeping tears of hilarity, and plan to pass this on to one or two friends who are patiently waiting for the Redcoats to reinstate the monarchy! :-) Bring on the fish and chips; it's about time we get good food over here. I'm even ready for eel pie! But you lose me with the language. We the People of the United States speak an older, purer version of the tongue, long preserved by our isolation from your good country. We also know how to handle a fork ;-). You're going to have to get used to that z thingy.
ReplyDeleteLove the map!
Nanina
Hahahahaha! Best post yet! Nice job.
ReplyDeleteOJ this is great fun! My dear daughter wants to visit there so I will be sure to inform her of these facts. BOL!
ReplyDeleteThings can't get much worse Molly so Momz is ready to give this plan a try...Only a couple of things...will the soap operas be subtitled? Momz can't understand a word of Coronation Street...and will we get your yucky weather or can we keep our sunshine here in Florida? and do we have to learn to eat haggis? Momz sez that might be a deal breaker
ReplyDelete