Friday, 22 February 2013
Hooray For Mollywood, Don’t Bother With The Horror, Edition!
Yesterday in Mollywood we had a look at some really awful films and gosh were they bad. We wonder if any of you will dare to watch them? OK so now we take a look at the Sci-fi and Horror genre. Get ready, it is not some much creepy as crappy. We bring you some of the biggest stinkers ever to come out of Tinsel Town. Stinkier than tripe on a hot day! Yes, more smelly than those socks you have in your basket! It is our all time howling bad horrors.
We could not start without visiting our dear friend Ed Wood Jr again. So without further ado let’s go and check out Plan 9 From Outer Space made in 1959. Crowned as the worst movie ever made in the 1980 The Golden Turkey Awards, this is a real stinker. Despite a lack of resources our fine friend managed to stage an alien invasion epic. We have an amateur cast, a cardboard cemetery, flying saucers that would make a Frisbee look high tech and the best bit an airplane cockpit made from a shower curtain and a couple of chairs. Some unrelated footage of his now dead friend Bela Lugosi finishes off this epic Turkey.
Unfortunately John Travolta made himself a laughing stock in the stonkingly bad Battlefield Earth released in 2000. The film is set in the year 3000, a millennium after The Master Race has invaded Earth and enslaved humanity. Mr Travolta plays a 10 foot alien with dreadlocks, nose plugs and KISS style boots. What this movie lacks in simple logic it makes up for in unintentional camp acting by the bucket load. After the first half hour world extinction would seem like not such a bad idea. A folly so supreme, it inspires awe in the sense that so many people spent so much time and money on it without ever realising just how bad it was.
Robot Monster was made in 1953 and really gave Mr Wood something to worry about when it comes to props. Whist Mr.Woods’ aliens looked like middle-aged men dressed in baking foil Mr.Tuckers’ Moon Monsters are truly out of this world. Would you believe our cosmic neighbours are gorilla robots that wear diving helmets and sport genocide inducing bubble machines? Originally it was released in 3 D and is so funny that like Plan 9 From Outer Space it is compelling for its bizarre plot and dialogue. So bad it is actually good!
The Howling II, Your Sister Is A Werewolf was released in 1985. Christopher Lee, stars as an occult investigator who has to take on the werewolf Queen Stirba and her minions. Firstly what kind of name is Striba? You also get an exploding dwarf and a drunken werewolf orgy in this horrible horror. The funniest thing comes in the credits where Sybil Danning rips her clothes off and this shown over and over again. But hey ho they saved money on the lighting. You can't actually see anything which I suppose is a blessing. Oh and you’d not want to miss Frankie Goes To Hollywood looking band singing about the pale, pale light of the moon glow. Fangtastic not!
The Giant Claw was made in 1957 and is an epic about a giant bird that comes from a parallel universe and terrorizes us mere earthlings. Cheap puppetry makes it look like earth was being attacked by a giant mutant Gonzo from the Muppets crossed with a plucked buzzard. The film was one of many invader movies released in the 50's but this one beats all the others paws down with its’ cheesy dialogue, wooden acting and a goofy plot. Look at those googly eyes and check out that scrawny neck as it screeches and caws, swooping through the air grabbing aeroplanes and gobbling up pilots and crew. Brilliant!
Death Bed, The Bed That Eats has got to be one of the weirdest titles for a movie ever. Mind boggling this came out in 1977. In 2003 it had a re-release giving us the chance to marvel at the four poster bed from Hell. Wow you get to see boudoir centrepiece from Hades sucking hippies dry and leaving only skeletons as it munches it way through some not so cool dudes. Someone must have been partaking in some mind altering substances to have come up with this one. Oh and the bed even tries to get healthy by eating an apple and then spitting out the core. Yep definitely mind boggling!
Shark Attack 3, Megalodon came out in 2002 and is the tale of a giant prehistoric shark chomping its way through the population without even burping. Yes this mummy megalodon swallows jet skiers and life rafts full of survivors whole grunting loudly in appreciation of it human snacks. The acting is horrible, the dialogue is horrible and the special effects are horrible which as adds up to one and a half hours of unbridled laughter.
Frogs made in 1972 see some slimy amphibians that live in The Everglades organising a nasty rebellion. It starts with a party celebrating the birthday of a wheelchair bound Southern patriarch Jason Crockett and then introduces us to a chemical industry magnate whose pesticides are responsible for much of the toxic pollution found in the swamps. The party comes to an abrupt halt when thousands of local creepy crawlies (no not Dogton Abbey) decide to crash the party. Brilliant! Menacing swamp bullfrogs, snakes, insects, and snapping turtles chomp and tear their way through the cast. Not a dull moment and a high body count will guarantee you will never see The Everglades in the same light again.
In 1975 someone came up with the notion that a spider invasion would make for a cool movie. The Giant Spider Invasion is about yes spiders but not just your ordinary spider but spiders from another dimension. Daddy spider was created by putting a huge spider costume on a car whilst extras waived its numerous legs in the air. You have to actually wait 50 minutes until you see the giant spider but it is well worth it. Reminded us a carnival parade float gone horribly wrong.
And lastly the best of all is The Swarm made in 1978. Killer bees migrate to the United States from Africa via South America in this disaster film. This triumph of a turkey starts Michael Caine as the expert entomologist Brad Crane who shows up at a secret military base full of dead soldiers. Now the soldiers are the victims of the killer bees and their amazingly potent venomous stings. Eventually, the bees stage a massacre in Marysville and then set their beady sights on Houston. The military and the use of pesticides and some firebombing won’t stop impending disaster. When the killer bees spelt out kill on the window of the car we nearly fell out of our seats laughing.
So if you fancy some really bad movies this weekend we think we got it covered. Sit back and enjoy Oscar weekend! Next week in Mollywood we take a look at what films we would like to remake and how would they look after a Molly Makeover?