Hooray For Mollywood, The Not So Groovy Movie Edition!

Molly The Wallys’ Top Ten Movie Turkeys. When Hollywood went bad!

With The Oscars Just around the corner we thought we’d take a look at the not so wonderful offerings that have come out of Tinsel Town. So sit back, take a sip of tea and let me take you to Mollywood where it is Turkey Time!

Firstly we head straight to the King of bad Ed Wood Jr and his offering of Glen Or Glenda, made in 1953. Ed Woods’ movies are like a car crash waiting to happen. You know it will be terrible, but for some reason you just have to watch it. Typical Ed Wood! In fact, you might call it Ed at his best i.e. his worst. In the film we see Mr Wood prancing around in a pink angora sweater. There is no real story, no direction, no continuity, no good acting, which all adds up to an unintentionally hilarious contribution to the history of film. I spent the whole time wondering if that sweater was itchy.  Ed pink was so not your colour! Our vote more of a porker than a corker!

One of the greatest turkeys has to b Mommie Dearest made in 1981. Here Faye Dunaway portrays Joan Crawford, with the volume turned up so high you will need some ear plugs handy. Oh my and those eyebrows were nominated for an Oscar in the wildlife category that year for best supporting caterpillars. This outrageously camp biopic is justifiably famous for its excesses, particularly the ‘no wire hangers’ scene. Then we have the script writers who must have had a great time thinking up even more hilarious dialogue for the actors to scream at each other. Terrifying! Blimey after this one you will never look at wire coat hangers or scouring powder in the same way again.

Glitter follows the life of a struggling songstress in the eighties. Mariah did win an award for this film at the 2001 Golden Raspberries for worst actress. This movie is so bad I had the fidgets and I swore time stood still as the ending could not come quick enough. Throughout the movie Mariah has that wide eyed rabbit caught in the headlights look and my foot was mentally on the accelerator. It achieved one thing, giving the audience a good laugh during Mariah's most dramatic scenes. We felt sorry for her having to have read all those negative reviews. Actually no we didn’t after having to suffer through this turkey of a movie.

The general plot of Over Her Dead Body is that Eva Longoria gets killed by an ice sculpture on her wedding day. Yep it starts off promisingly already, doesn’t it? She then comes back and haunts her husband and his new girlfriend. In the end he marries the girlfriend and Eva goes back to wherever boring ghosts go to. Basically, don’t worry about her dead body, worry about dying of boredom from watching this film. Watching paint dry is exhilarating compared to this.

The Hottie and the Nottie stars that well known thespian Paris Hilton so you know hot it is not. You know any film that stars the gaudy, unfunny, self-absorbed, untalented and tasteless Ms PH is going to be a turkey of epic proportions. We understand that Ms Hilton honed her acting skills at the Madonna School of Acting. Her Zombie like acting will leave you colder than a freezer full of turkey twizlers. I guess Paris should stick to her day job, you know the one, Rich Folk Doing Nothing.

What about Pluto Nash? In the future, a man struggles to keep his lunar nightclub out of the hands of the mafia. Remember, Eddie Murphy was in movies like 48 Hours, Beverly Hills Cop and Coming to America? Well forget those as here Eddie is trying out unfunny acting. A film all about an unfunny man, telling unfunny jokes to unfunny people. I’d rather watch a video surveillance film from an empty parking lot than sit through this again. It did achieve one thing, being one biggest box office bomb of all time costing a reported $100 million dollars and only making $7 million at the box office. Ouch that has to have hurt!

Swept away is the story of a snooty socialite stranded on a Mediterranean island with a communist sailor. Why Guy Richie made this terrible film is beyond us? How much more proof that Madonna can't act do we need? Hateful and unlikeable characters along with dreadful dialogue and clueless direction make this the kind of movie you wish was swept away. Guy you should have thrown the film on the cutting room floor for it to be swept away right into the dustbin.

Wow now we are pulling out all the stops with Howard A New Breed Of Hero. Yikes, it is actually about a humanoid duck that comes to Earth where he must stop an alien invader. We bet you’d never guess who was to blame for this creepy abomination? OK, take a deep breath, it was none other than George Lucas. It was nominated for seven Razzie awards, including Worst Director, Worst Original Song (Howard the Duck), and Worst Supporting Actor (Tim Robbins). It won four awards, Worst New Star (human in duck suit), Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Visual Effects. In addition, it was nominated in 1990 for the Worst Picture of the Decade but lost to Mommie Dearest. Sad even then the duck was out of luck.

From Justin to Kelly was a movie about a Texan singing waitress who meets a Pennsylvania college student. Yawn, yawn, they fall for each other, and then spend the rest of the movie trying to get together. What do you get when you take two z-list celebrities from a reality TV show and fling them in front of a camera? The producers of From Justin to Kelly decided to find out, why? The musical numbers are transparently lip synched, there are more holes in plot than Swiss cheese and Kellys’ Texas accent is as fleeting as a mugger in broad daylight. From Justin to Kelly is bad, but Glitter is still worse because Glitter thinks it's a great movie. This is just innocuous vacuous dribble.

And lastly we have the aptly named Burn Hollywood Burn released in 1997. The movie was regarded as one of the worst films of all time, and managed to win five awards (including Worst Picture) at the 1998 Golden Raspberry Awards. The film grossed a stonking $45,000! The film is actually about a film so bad it has everyone running for cover. This really is a case of fiction becoming reality. A spectacularly bad film, breathtakingly incompetent, funny not, ill-conceived and badly executed, written by an illiterate and acted by actors who would make Paris and Madonna look professional.  Think I summed it up. If you really want to watch this one put cotton wool in your ears and super glue your eyelids together and you just might get through it with some degree of sanity.

What movie was a real turkey for you?

So my fine friends tomorrow to salute The Oscars we cast our gaze at the Sci-fi/Horror genre. Join us on the sofa as we take a look at some real shockers in Molly does Mollywood.